A celebration of growth.

Posts tagged ‘Teaching’

Laugh with me, not at me.

Kids are always doing and saying something that makes us laugh. Sometimes they do it to share their joy with us, and sometimes it’s unintentional because they are figuring out the way the world works, and putting things together (that we may not have thought belonged together).

Sometimes in the moment, we crack up. I’m guilty of it myself.

But what happens when we do?

Laughing at children sends a message

Our reaction, as unintentional as it can be, still has it’s effect. You might be giggling because “you love how cute they are” but kids are hearing: “you are so incorrect, it’s funny”.

How would it feel if we were in a board meeting of a multinational corporation during the first week of work, and said something that made all of the big wigs laugh in a “wow, you really don’t know anything” and “it’s so ridiculous what you’re saying:” kind of way?

Would we feel confused? Embarrassed? Would it help us, or prevent us from feeling confident?

Kids are just as sensitive to our reactions, as we are to other adult’s reactions. Maybe adults laughed at us when we were children too? What do we remember about how that felt?

Laughing at children’s remarks or actions dismisses their sincerity.

They may say something really awkward like “This squash looks like your head papa!” or they may have a vivid observation “The fan goed roundy and roundy and throwed wind on us!”

Whatever kids may say, usually they mean it with utmost seriousness. They are describing something they see, or understand. When we laugh at their knowledge or use of words, we are laughing at who they are. They receive the message that what they do and say is silly, and doesn’t have real value.

Children are not entertainment

Often we laugh at children when we are in an adult social setting. We relate with other adults by watching their reactions, or just want other adults to enjoy how much being with kids makes us laugh. Is this at the expense of the children?

I frequently notice how when adults laugh after a child does something “funny”, they look at other adults to see their reaction. This is very interesting. Is there some type of social evaluation going on?

Using children as a way to make our guests or family members laugh is belittling to our kids existence. It is disrespectful. Would we put grandma on display to make our friends laugh? or a person with Tourettes? How much do our kids have control over their “funniness?”

Don’t even get me started on all the things we do things to our kids to make ourselves laugh…  

(need I say more?)

Laughing is fun when everyone is in on the joke

When we are laughing and joking about what kids do, do they understand why we are laughing?

If they are staring at us questioningly, and our reaction doesn’t seem to make sense to them, we are creating a disconnect in our relationship with them. This may be great bonding time for adults, but how does this help us bond with our children?

How to respond when something “silly” is said

I love it when kids give me the opportunity to practice a mindful response. I call it mindful, because I try to be intentional (not impulsive) in how I wish to respond.

  • Stick to the facts of the observation without the need to correct. — “Does that remind you of papa’s head because he lost all of his hair?”
  • It’s ok to provide more information, so everyone’s on the same page — “I wonder if it might hurt papa’s feelings to hear that, because he was sad when he lost his hair, and he might not want to be reminded about it”.

(FYI: I’m using this example because I used to say that when I was little. At the grocery store. To my dad! Now that we’re adults, he brings it up regularly and cracks up about it, “remember when you used to point at the melon and make fun of your poor old papa?” Of course, my original observation was innocent of mockery.)

  • Repeat what your child is noticing, and ask them more about it– “That’s true. The fan does blow air on us, what else did you notice about the fan?”
  • If you really did laugh (sometimes it just comes out), explain what you found so funny about it and stay mindful about your child’s feelings. — “I laughed when you said that, because the way you described how the fan works sounded so different to me.”

Find ways to share joy instead

Now let’s talk about laughing with our kids! How different does this feel?

Our kids are laughing with us, and they understand what’s funny. Usually, it is something outside of ourselves, like a funny story, or a funny picture. Sometimes it is sharing joy about something funny that we, the adults, did (self directed humor relays the message that making mistakes is ok)… “d’oh! I dropped my toast again! I have butterfingers today!”

Sharing joy means staying connected with our children, and sharing the same perspective of an experience. Aka: We are in the same boat!

This always feels good to both parties. Now just remember to not share joy at the expense of someone else who isn’t in on it. ;-)

A quick word about babies

In my opinion, I notice that babies get laughed at the most. They drool and babble and are learning coordination.. which is so uninhibited and free in physical actions! Yes, lots of funny material there. But babies are also people. Yes, whole people. They are in tune with our messages and are sensitive to them. Maybe we feel that a little laughter at their expense doesn’t hurt. Is this true? I haven’t found any direct studies yet, so I couldn’t say “officially”. I just know it feels “off” in my heart.

If we are planning on treating our whole growing humans with respect, why not start right away? If it’s disrespectful to laugh at what kids do, or adults do, or elders do– at their expense, why should it be ok to laugh at babies?

Respond to babies in the same respectful way. When they spit, say “I notice you spit. I wonder if you’re done eating that food?”. When they burble, say “I hear you saying something. You are looking at the cup, are you saying “cup?” and point to the cup.

When grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and strangers are laughing at baby and you have learned to take your baby seriously (because you respect your baby so much), you can narrate to the baby, “Everyone is excited to have you here and watch you grow.” Validate the babies perspective, and stay an active part of it. Emphasize with the experience and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Conclusion

Please take children seriously. Even if they seem funny to you. To them, they may be sharing something thoughtful and genuine. Let them know you love them by treating them with respect and dignity. This will help them become confident and secure adults. And maybe when you’re saying something silly in your later years, they will show you the same respect.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think :)

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Cognitive Development, Communication, Education, Health and Nutrition, Relationships, Social-Emotional Development, Uncategorized

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The Power of Words

Image

“By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life.”

- Jean Baptiste Girard 

 

Everything we say matters. It matters especially so when we speak to children. I think most people agree not to use profanities around growing, absorbent minds… but besides just the superficial ‘child-safe’ vocabulary filtering  we do around kids, I want to ask: how much do we really… I mean really think about our word exchange with children? 

When I think about how I speak with children, I first ask myself several questions:

  • How is my tone and attitude? What message am I saying with my facial expression and body language?

It is very easy to be emotionally swept away by chidren’s behaviors or words if we are not used to them. Before I speak, a millisecond of checking in with myself, and a breath reminds me to be aware of my own state. Am I feeling annoyed? tired? confused? scared? entertained? embarrassed? … My emotions will directly impact the way the message is heard, which is a message in itself. 

If we are saying one thing, but feeling a different way about it… “Be careful with that glass when you’re pouring!” — but not trusting that they really can be careful — children feel our nervousness and become less confident in their own abilities. 

By being aware of our emotions, we may transcend the habitual way we react… and respond more appropriately with the messages that promote confidence, trust, respect and authenticity. 

  • What is my agenda? Is this about getting something done, or promoting learning about how something is done? 

 In school children are given worksheets and word problems to analyze and find solutions, but in real life there are no worksheets and word problems, there are just situations and interactions. Both of which are there for us to learn about ourselves and the world. So, if we as adults jump in to help, or command, or tell what to do in a situation… aren’t we just writing in the answers for our kids? It is very easy to fall into the habit of ‘putting out fires’ (please read CoreParenting’s post on the topic). After taking a breath, we might notice that what seems to be a problem at first, is actually a fantastic learning opportunity.

  • Do my words empower or take power from children? 

Speaking to children in a way that allows them to make a choice, initiate internal locus of control, or have self awareness is empowering. Speaking to children that commands them to do something, imposes judgement (“this is good, that is bad”), or embarrasses them (“it’s not nice to hit”, “you’re being too loud”) takes away the power to discern and make up ones own opinion on subjects. 

Empowering words are neutral and compassionate. They narrate and state the facts. “When you were running, you bumped into Kim, and she fell. That must be why she is crying.” Empowering words invite, rather than command: “Let’s look at Kim and see if she’s ok…” Empowering words are more detailed, slower and supportive. “I see you really want this toy, you are pulling it out of Joy’s hands. She wants to use it and she is holding on tight. I’m going to stay close and make sure your bodies stay safe while you two are figuring out what to do.” Empowering words give opportunity to think, and process. They are open-ended. “The water is pouring out very fast and the cup is getting full…”

Yes, they take a little more effort to say, than “Stop pulling.” or “Go say sorry.”, but their effect is much more beneficial in the long term. 

  • Am I speaking at children or with them? 

Being with children requires keen awareness and mindful presence. This is not an easy feat when there is food to be cooked, calls to be answered, laundry, cleaning, errands, tasks, tasks, tasks. It is easy to shout out a command, or send out short reactions to their behavior. Of course there is a time and place for everything, and the standards need not be set to 100% awareness all of the time, that’s stressful to even think about. 

But we can start by noticing how we are relaying our message. When we step next to, and come down face to face, connect with our child’s presence, we can then have a better perspective of their experience. We can gently enter their world, and show them that we are there to work with them, and not intimidate or control them (for a quick fix). We take time to listen to them, and narrate what’s happening. We become their closest friend, and let compassion guide us in responding.

  • Am I being genuine and honest? 

Children can sense insincerity and condescendence a mile away. Take the famous parenting phrase “because I said so” (hopefully less widely used than before), does it seem like a respectful thing to say? Is it genuine and honest? Would it be more informative to say, “I know you want to keep playing, but I am just feeling too tired right now, and I would like to leave.” Being honest and real with your kids is more likely to promote understanding, and less likely to promote resentment. 

 

  • How is “small-talk” affecting children? 

In many of the preschool classes I’ve taught, one of the first morning interactions with kids involves them showing new something to me. New dress, new toy, new shoes, new haircut… etc. This is a very interesting opportunity and I ponder about their experience. I think it’s pretty common practice to reply by sharing our opinion on something children are showing us… “What a pretty dress!”, “Those shoes are cool!”, “I like your new haircut, you look great!”…

Hmmm… I don’t know about you, but I think this sends some critical messages. If adults are giving much attention to the appearance of children, (clothes, age, behavior), is it natural to think that children will see these as important social values? (How I look. What’s cool? What’s pretty?)

I have thought much about this, and I’ve decided to add a shape of neutrality to my responses, and better yet, turn the response to ask the children themselves their opinion… rather than giving my own.

So, when Hugo comes up to show me his new shirt with a TV character on it, I may ask “What do you think about your shirt?” or I may say, “I notice it has long sleeves. Does it keep you warm?”, or I may say, “I see your shirt has some characters on it, tell me about them.” 

When Penelope shows me her new summer dress, I may say, “You are showing me your new dress that grandma gave you, how did you feel when you saw it?” or, “You seem very excited about your new dress, how does it feel to wear it?”, “What do you notice about your dress?” 

Another common practice I notice is the commenting on children’s age, when meeting them for the first time. We seem to have a habit of asking kids their age… what message does this send them? Well, maybe just asking them their age is not a huge message, but our response “wow, you’re such a big boy!”, or “you’re getting bigger” shares a lot of information about what adults value: You are valued on something that you have no control over — the passing of time. The older you are, the more you are valued. 

Why do we not ask adults their age right when we meet them? Is it really that important, or do we just not know what else to ask kids about? Is it as appropriate as asking kids their weight, or height? 

 

 

Words are more powerful than they seem. When we use them with sanctity our life improves, and the lives of those around us. 

What are your thoughts on words? What are your experiences speaking with children, and remembering how you were spoken with when young? 

 

(Photo: “If I’ve told you once…”, Courtesy of Andy M.Taylor, Flikr)

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Manners Without Manipulation

It’s an age old tradition to teach children to be polite. We’re used to it. We see everyone do it. We were trained to do it as kids, and most likely we feel these are important skills for our children to have too.

It’s certainly agreed, by teaching children “good manners” in the deeper sense, we are trying to raise humans  to display their feelings of appreciation, modesty, kindness and compassion. However, what I’ve noticed is that teaching manners has become more of a mindless parenting ritual, where the dynamic seems less about understanding what these values mean, and more about being trained to perform an appropriately timed social behavior.

So, let’s take a close look at the approach and figure out how it could be transformed from just “training” kids to superficially memorize and awkwardly act their lines in our social theatre, to being compassionate, kind, loving and genuine communicators with other people, and to do this with self-confidence and self-awareness.

First, we must shift from the dominating/controlling dynamic with children, to the cooperating/partnership dynamic. This requires us to see children as competent beings, (no matter their age) and to trust and respect them. Our position with children transforms from an authoritative, ascending figure, to an informative guiding partner and role model.

Control Dynamic

(Focus on behavior and outcome)

 

 Cooperative Dynamic

(Focus on meaning and experience)
Children are seen as wild, unpredictable and irrational versions of an adult. Children are seen as capable, thoughtful and intelligent people who make logical decisions based on the information they have.
Children’s behavior is seen as something that needs to be reinforced, adjusted, manipulated or changed by external means (rewards or punishments). Children’s behavior is understood by the meaning of their internal experience, and from the information they hold at one point in time.
Children are required and forced to display certain behaviors regardless of whether they fully understand them, or how they feel. Children are invited to express their feelings or needs while being supported, and are provided with information about social interaction in a neutral, non-judgmental manner. Children are invited to use kindness and compassion in communication.
Adult behavior is not seen as important as the child’s behavior. (Do as I say, not as I do.)  Adult behavior sets the model for the child’s behavior. How adults interact with children or each other makes a direct impression on the child.
The adult’s reaction is based on their emotion of the child’s behavior. The adult’s response is guided by awareness of the child’s inner experience and knowledge.
Examples: “That lady brought you a present, now what do you say?”

“You ran into that boy, now say you’re sorry.”

“When grandma says she loves you, say I love you back.”

 Examples: “How do you feel when someone brings you a present? If you want, you can tell them how you feel, or say thank you, that way they know you are happy. It might also make them happy to know you appreciated it.”

“I noticed that boy fell when you were running, I wonder if he’s o.k.? I’m looking at his face to see how he’s feeling. He is crying because that hurt him. I wonder what might make him feel better?”

“Sometimes grandma likes to tell you she loves you. If you want to, you can tell grandma how you feel too.”

Notice some of the key phrases included in the cooperative dynamic: “sometimes this happens”, “if you want to”, “how you feel”, “I wonder…”, etc. This type of communication is open to internal reflection and allows the child to make an opinion of their own. This empowers them to make a choice depending on the circumstance and to find awareness of their own emotions.  If we are forcing children to say something they are uncomfortable with, or reacting emotionally to their behavior, they may receive the message that their own emotions are not acceptable, or invalid, and they must only do things that please the parent.

Also, the way information is presented to children is very important. We, as human beings, are very receptive to insincerity no matter what age we are. If we are wording our explanations to manipulate the result, it will be less likely the outcome will be genuine. Our goal is to promote authenticity, compassion, awareness and kindness. If we really want our children to say or do something it is very important to let go of our own idea of the outcome and embrace the choice they make… even if at first, it seems socially awkward. By allowing them to make a choice of their own, we help our kids have self-confidence and provide them with unconditional love.

I can guess some of you might be thinking, what if they say something horribly rude, like “I hate your present”, or “This food tastes bad”? How do we react to that kind of situation and still provide children with the values we want them to have?

Well, the goal is not about providing them with an appropriate or inappropriate response, but to give them information about the meaning of the response and allowing them to reflect on the ideas, while experimenting with them.  We provide the tools, not the finished product.

In a situation where a child says something seemingly awkward (for us as adults) you may want to respond with this type of combination: Acknowledge the child’s emotions, acknowledge the situation, explain what happened, explain the possible result of their action, express support of their internal experience and offer (with an invitation rather than a demand) other more compassionate ways to communicate while explaining why they might work better.

You could say: “I wonder if you feel disappointed about the food/ present? Sometimes we get something that we didn’t expect. I know that person was trying to do something nice because they want you to be happy, but if you say ‘I hate your present’, this may make them feel sad or embarrassed. It’s ok to feel disappointed about the gift, but you don’t have to tell them about that feeling. If you want to, you can just tell them thank you. That might bring them happiness.”

I’d like to add, this type of conversation is best had before or during the actual event. The young human mind deserves time to reflect on an idea and connect it to a situation in reality.

Also, advocating for your child during social interaction helps them find confidence in knowing what to do. In an example where your child feels uncomfortable talking to strangers, you can help alleviate the stress. For instance, in a restaurant if a waitress brings food or a coloring activity for the child, and the child is sitting awkwardly not knowing what to do, it is much more compassionate to say to the child “I see you’re happy” and then to thank the waitress from the both of you, rather than force your child to say thank you.

Explaining things and verbal communication is only one part of providing information and depends almost entirely on the second part, which is modeling the values. If we are telling children “thank you” and “please” ourselves, as many times as we would like them to say it to others, they will naturally mimic what our behavior is and repeat it. If we hold an attitude of righteousness with children, they will reflect that in their own behavior.

So here is a little list of teaching manners without manipulation:

  • Respect and trust your child
  • Model the type of values you want to see in them by treating them the way you want them to treat others.
  • Respond to children by understanding and valuing their inner experience first.
  • Provide them with information in a neutral, peaceful and compassionate manner.
  • Communicate with open ended phrases to allow for internal reflection and processing of experiences.
  • Invite children to try more compassionate methods of communication and explain causes and effects of communication.
  • Advocate for your child if they are uncomfortable taking the initiative.
  • Show love to your children unconditionally, not based on their behavior.

To conclude, I like to think of things this way: if you want to help someone build a chair, give them tools and teach about the process of carpentry. It is very difficult to build a chair by making someone look at a picture of a chair over and over again, without showing them how to use the saw and hammer first.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! What do you remember about learning manners in your own childhood? How do you teach your children about communication?

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Social-Emotional Development

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The Hands That Wait

Last week I was on the bus and saw this scene while passing a fast food restaurant: inside I saw a woman and a 4/5 year old child. They were cleaning up after their meal, and were throwing away some containers. The boy was throwing away a plastic cup into the garbage can. As he was doing this slowly and awkwardly, reaching for the opening and trying to stuff the cup into it, the woman stood by with her hands very close to his and only seemed to wait a brief moment before she quickly reached over to grab the cup and push it in for him. I noted how close her hands were, her body language, and how fast she had acted.

This takes me back to the time when I was small, and remembering how I noticed the personalities of adults by the behavior of their hands.

Being a tiny and awkwardly coordinated growing person is no piece of cake. I remember how fine tuning the control of my fingers and hands seemed like an almost impossible task. From pouring juice out of a bottle into a cup, to writing my first letters, I might as well have been using my nose.

I remember how frequently adults wanted to help me, and often did so without my permission or even giving me a moment to realize they were about to. Their hands just jumped right in and did the job. Sometimes this left me feeling pretty incompetent. But, the hands that waited were usually attached to the kind of adult that had a calm demeanor and trusted me.

I understand that adults are helping children out of love and care. We tie their shoes, and put on their

coats,

and pour,

and wipe,

and open,

and close,

and move,

and dress,

and pick up,

and put down,

and do so many things to care for children — but at what cost are we doing these things for them?

Here is an important story that I remember hearing (you may know it):

A man was watching a butterfly struggle out of its cocoon. He noticed how awkwardly and slowly the butterfly was pushing itself out. After he watched for a little while, he decided to help. He took a pair of scissors and cut the cocoon open. The butterfly easily came out, but fell to the ground instead of opening its wings to fly. What he didn’t know was that while the butterfly struggles to push itself out, it releases a special fluid onto the wings, without which it can’t open its wings to fly. In other words, the struggle itself created the success.

I really loved this story when I first heard it because it gave me a fresh perspective on children’s struggle. I admit I do like to make life easier for children. I want to do things for them – give them my hand— it’s part of my yearning to nurture and it feels instinctual. I realize though, that cutting the cocoon open for them does not help them fly, but in fact, often inhibits it. So, my instinctual reaction slowly turned into a patient, intentional response.

I look at my hands and notice now, how often they want to jump in to help. I urge them to wait, and instead move them away while watching how a child is gaining skills on their own. I notice sometimes the children who are used to receiving lots of quick adult help often just hand over the job to me or another adult nearby, expecting what they are already used to.

I admit that struggle is difficult to watch if we’re not used to it. I tell myself to breathe and wait for the process, the coat to get zipped, or for the glass which is so precariously sitting on the edge of the table to get moved, or the tiny foot to reach the safety of the floor while the toddler is struggling to come down from the couch. I become aware of how my own emotions and instincts are filling my mind with fearful images – the child falling and crying, the cup breaking, the spill, the mess, the anxiety – but I know these are only workings of my imagination and I don’t let them guide me. I let them go and instead observe intensely. I notice how each time the same struggle happens over and over, some tiny new skill is emerging. Maybe the first two times the cup fell, but this time it’s placed a little further from the edge. Maybe there is a new shift in the child’s body when she takes a step off the couch.

Truthfully speaking, the horrible things my mind flashes during the process don’t usually happen, and if they do, they aren’t nearly as horrible as I imagined them to be.

This experience has taught my mind and hands to relax and even though I make myself available to help, I don’t jump the gun quite as fast as I used to. It’s hard to make my hands wait, but I know that the real lesson is in the child’s hands – not my own.

There are still many creative ways to provide support and guidance to children while strengthening their skill abilities, here are a few:

Before giving any directions or help, notice the process of ‘figuring it out’. Let the child’s curiosity guide the process first and notice their innovative ways of working through a problem.
Provide a little tip (note: this is a fine balance. Make sure you are empowering instead of commanding): I notice you want to step down the stairs. It might be helpful to hold the railing. It’s very sturdy.
Slow down and become a close observer. This will give you the opportunity to notice progress or patterns, and often simply being aware and present is enough support.
Model the way something is done: “When I zip, I like to hold the zipper together like this, and then… I pull up…”
Describe the process as it is happening: I see the water is pouring out of the pitcher very fast, and your cup is getting full. (Notice how this is left open ended…)
Acknowledge the child’s struggle as a part of the process to the child: If you are ok and calm, there is no need to fear the struggle next time. “It’s true. Sometimes putting on shoes can be frustrating.” or, “The water spilled right in your lap when you were pouring, does it feel very cold and wet? “
Be available and know when help is truly needed. If your child is exhausted and on the verge of a meltdown, chances are the process will not be as useful. It’s ok to offer help when the time is right. Knowing that balance is really important.
Ask first, if you really want to help: Asking permission before diving into a child’s space is incredibly empowering for the child. This is one of the best ways to model respect.

Finally, let go of your own idea of success and instead celebrate the process. As I wait, I like to ask myself, “In reality, what’s the worst that could happen?”, and “What can be gained from the experience?”

Note: These particular examples are about young children. Additionally, how can we connect them to other ages or areas of life?

I’d love your feedback!

Category:

Social-Emotional Development

Tagged with:

Abundant Life Children

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