Kids are always doing and saying something that makes us laugh. Sometimes they do it to share their joy with us, and sometimes it’s unintentional because they are figuring out the way the world works, and putting things together (that we may not have thought belonged together).

Sometimes in the moment, we crack up. I’m guilty of it myself.

But what happens when we do?

Laughing at children sends a message

Our reaction, as unintentional as it can be, still has it’s effect. You might be giggling because “you love how cute they are” but kids are hearing: “you are so incorrect, it’s funny”.

How would it feel if we were in a board meeting of a multinational corporation during the first week of work, and said something that made all of the big wigs laugh in a “wow, you really don’t know anything” and “it’s so ridiculous what you’re saying:” kind of way?

Would we feel confused? Embarrassed? Would it help us, or prevent us from feeling confident?

Kids are just as sensitive to our reactions, as we are to other adult’s reactions. Maybe adults laughed at us when we were children too? What do we remember about how that felt?

Laughing at children’s remarks or actions dismisses their sincerity.

They may say something really awkward like “This squash looks like your head papa!” or they may have a vivid observation “The fan goed roundy and roundy and throwed wind on us!”

Whatever kids may say, usually they mean it with utmost seriousness. They are describing something they see, or understand. When we laugh at their knowledge or use of words, we are laughing at who they are. They receive the message that what they do and say is silly, and doesn’t have real value.

Children are not entertainment

Often we laugh at children when we are in an adult social setting. We relate with other adults by watching their reactions, or just want other adults to enjoy how much being with kids makes us laugh. Is this at the expense of the children?

I frequently notice how when adults laugh after a child does something “funny”, they look at other adults to see their reaction. This is very interesting. Is there some type of social evaluation going on?

Using children as a way to make our guests or family members laugh is belittling to our kids existence. It is disrespectful. Would we put grandma on display to make our friends laugh? or a person with Tourettes? How much do our kids have control over their “funniness?”

Don’t even get me started on all the things we do things to our kids to make ourselves laugh…  

(need I say more?)

Laughing is fun when everyone is in on the joke

When we are laughing and joking about what kids do, do they understand why we are laughing?

If they are staring at us questioningly, and our reaction doesn’t seem to make sense to them, we are creating a disconnect in our relationship with them. This may be great bonding time for adults, but how does this help us bond with our children?

How to respond when something “silly” is said

I love it when kids give me the opportunity to practice a mindful response. I call it mindful, because I try to be intentional (not impulsive) in how I wish to respond.

• Stick to the facts of the observation without the need to correct. — “Does that remind you of papa’s head because he lost all of his hair?”
• It’s ok to provide more information, so everyone’s on the same page — “I wonder if it might hurt papa’s feelings to hear that, because he was sad when he lost his hair, and he might not want to be reminded about it”.

(FYI: I’m using this example because I used to say that when I was little. At the grocery store. To my dad! Now that we’re adults, he brings it up regularly and cracks up about it, “remember when you used to point at the melon and make fun of your poor old papa?” Of course, my original observation was innocent of mockery.)

• Repeat what your child is noticing, and ask them more about it– “That’s true. The fan does blow air on us, what else did you notice about the fan?”
• If you really did laugh (sometimes it just comes out), explain what you found so funny about it and stay mindful about your child’s feelings. — “I laughed when you said that, because the way you described how the fan works sounded so different to me.”

Find ways to share joy instead

Now let’s talk about laughing with our kids! How different does this feel?

Our kids are laughing with us, and they understand what’s funny. Usually, it is something outside of ourselves, like a funny story, or a funny picture. Sometimes it is sharing joy about something funny that we, the adults, did (self directed humor relays the message that making mistakes is ok)… “d’oh! I dropped my toast again! I have butterfingers today!”

Sharing joy means staying connected with our children, and sharing the same perspective of an experience. Aka: We are in the same boat!

This always feels good to both parties. Now just remember to not share joy at the expense of someone else who isn’t in on it.

A quick word about babies

In my opinion, I notice that babies get laughed at the most. They drool and babble and are learning coordination.. which is so uninhibited and free in physical actions! Yes, lots of funny material there. But babies are also people. Yes, whole people. They are in tune with our messages and are sensitive to them. Maybe we feel that a little laughter at their expense doesn’t hurt. Is this true? I haven’t found any direct studies yet, so I couldn’t say “officially”. I just know it feels “off” in my heart.

If we are planning on treating our whole growing humans with respect, why not start right away? If it’s disrespectful to laugh at what kids do, or adults do, or elders do– at their expense, why should it be ok to laugh at babies?

Respond to babies in the same respectful way. When they spit, say “I notice you spit. I wonder if you’re done eating that food?”. When they burble, say “I hear you saying something. You are looking at the cup, are you saying “cup?” and point to the cup.

When grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles and strangers are laughing at baby and you have learned to take your baby seriously (because you respect your baby so much), you can narrate to the baby, “Everyone is excited to have you here and watch you grow.” Validate the babies perspective, and stay an active part of it. Emphasize with the experience and make sure everyone is on the same page.

Conclusion

Please take children seriously. Even if they seem funny to you. To them, they may be sharing something thoughtful and genuine. Let them know you love them by treating them with respect and dignity. This will help them become confident and secure adults. And maybe when you’re saying something silly in your later years, they will show you the same respect.

Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear what you think

“By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life.”

- Jean Baptiste Girard 

Everything we say matters. It matters especially so when we speak to children. I think most people agree not to use profanities around growing, absorbent minds… but besides just the superficial ‘child-safe’ vocabulary filtering  we do around kids, I want to ask: how much do we really… I mean really think about our word exchange with children? 

When I think about how I speak with children, I first ask myself several questions:

• How is my tone and attitude? What message am I saying with my facial expression and body language?

It is very easy to be emotionally swept away by chidren’s behaviors or words if we are not used to them. Before I speak, a millisecond of checking in with myself, and a breath reminds me to be aware of my own state. Am I feeling annoyed? tired? confused? scared? entertained? embarrassed? … My emotions will directly impact the way the message is heard, which is a message in itself. 

If we are saying one thing, but feeling a different way about it… “Be careful with that glass when you’re pouring!” — but not trusting that they really can be careful — children feel our nervousness and become less confident in their own abilities. 

By being aware of our emotions, we may transcend the habitual way we react… and respond more appropriately with the messages that promote confidence, trust, respect and authenticity. 

• What is my agenda? Is this about getting something done, or promoting learning about how something is done? 

 In school children are given worksheets and word problems to analyze and find solutions, but in real life there are no worksheets and word problems, there are just situations and interactions. Both of which are there for us to learn about ourselves and the world. So, if we as adults jump in to help, or command, or tell what to do in a situation… aren’t we just writing in the answers for our kids? It is very easy to fall into the habit of ‘putting out fires’ (please read CoreParenting’s post on the topic). After taking a breath, we might notice that what seems to be a problem at first, is actually a fantastic learning opportunity.

• Do my words empower or take power from children? 

Speaking to children in a way that allows them to make a choice, initiate internal locus of control, or have self awareness is empowering. Speaking to children that commands them to do something, imposes judgement (“this is good, that is bad”), or embarrasses them (“it’s not nice to hit”, “you’re being too loud”) takes away the power to discern and make up ones own opinion on subjects. 

Empowering words are neutral and compassionate. They narrate and state the facts. “When you were running, you bumped into Kim, and she fell. That must be why she is crying.” Empowering words invite, rather than command: “Let’s look at Kim and see if she’s ok…” Empowering words are more detailed, slower and supportive. “I see you really want this toy, you are pulling it out of Joy’s hands. She wants to use it and she is holding on tight. I’m going to stay close and make sure your bodies stay safe while you two are figuring out what to do.” Empowering words give opportunity to think, and process. They are open-ended. “The water is pouring out very fast and the cup is getting full…”

Yes, they take a little more effort to say, than “Stop pulling.” or “Go say sorry.”, but their effect is much more beneficial in the long term. 

• Am I speaking at children or with them? 

Being with children requires keen awareness and mindful presence. This is not an easy feat when there is food to be cooked, calls to be answered, laundry, cleaning, errands, tasks, tasks, tasks. It is easy to shout out a command, or send out short reactions to their behavior. Of course there is a time and place for everything, and the standards need not be set to 100% awareness all of the time, that’s stressful to even think about. 

But we can start by noticing how we are relaying our message. When we step next to, and come down face to face, connect with our child’s presence, we can then have a better perspective of their experience. We can gently enter their world, and show them that we are there to work with them, and not intimidate or control them (for a quick fix). We take time to listen to them, and narrate what’s happening. We become their closest friend, and let compassion guide us in responding.

• Am I being genuine and honest? 

Children can sense insincerity and condescendence a mile away. Take the famous parenting phrase “because I said so” (hopefully less widely used than before), does it seem like a respectful thing to say? Is it genuine and honest? Would it be more informative to say, “I know you want to keep playing, but I am just feeling too tired right now, and I would like to leave.” Being honest and real with your kids is more likely to promote understanding, and less likely to promote resentment. 

• How is “small-talk” affecting children? 

In many of the preschool classes I’ve taught, one of the first morning interactions with kids involves them showing new something to me. New dress, new toy, new shoes, new haircut… etc. This is a very interesting opportunity and I ponder about their experience. I think it’s pretty common practice to reply by sharing our opinion on something children are showing us… “What a pretty dress!”, “Those shoes are cool!”, “I like your new haircut, you look great!”…

Hmmm… I don’t know about you, but I think this sends some critical messages. If adults are giving much attention to the appearance of children, (clothes, age, behavior), is it natural to think that children will see these as important social values? (How I look. What’s cool? What’s pretty?)

I have thought much about this, and I’ve decided to add a shape of neutrality to my responses, and better yet, turn the response to ask the children themselves their opinion… rather than giving my own.

So, when Hugo comes up to show me his new shirt with a TV character on it, I may ask “What do you think about your shirt?” or I may say, “I notice it has long sleeves. Does it keep you warm?”, or I may say, “I see your shirt has some characters on it, tell me about them.” 

When Penelope shows me her new summer dress, I may say, “You are showing me your new dress that grandma gave you, how did you feel when you saw it?” or, “You seem very excited about your new dress, how does it feel to wear it?”, “What do you notice about your dress?” 

Another common practice I notice is the commenting on children’s age, when meeting them for the first time. We seem to have a habit of asking kids their age… what message does this send them? Well, maybe just asking them their age is not a huge message, but our response “wow, you’re such a big boy!”, or “you’re getting bigger” shares a lot of information about what adults value: You are valued on something that you have no control over — the passing of time. The older you are, the more you are valued. 

Why do we not ask adults their age right when we meet them? Is it really that important, or do we just not know what else to ask kids about? Is it as appropriate as asking kids their weight, or height? 

Words are more powerful than they seem. When we use them with sanctity our life improves, and the lives of those around us. 

What are your thoughts on words? What are your experiences speaking with children, and remembering how you were spoken with when young? 

(Photo: “If I’ve told you once…”, Courtesy of Andy M.Taylor, Flikr)

I wanted to share these two thought provoking articles today…

http://www.trippingmom.com/children-don%C2%B4t-need-to-behave/

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/peter_haiman.html

What do you think?

“Super Dad” loves telling me stories. “Super Dad” is the man of my dreams, my boyfriend (lucky me!) and a magnificent father of a three and a half year old boy, “Little Man”. I love hearing about all of the adventures of “Little Man” and “Super Dad”, because I am reminded about what a huge difference it makes to have so much intention and mindfulness in the parenting role. Which is how “Super Dad” treats his son, with great intention and mindfulness.

One of the stories I was recently told had to do with a family dinner at Grandma’s house. A neighbor of Grandma’s had given “Little Man” a bag of homemade cookies to bring over for the family to share. “Little Man” was very excited to eat the cookies and when everyone was finished with dinner, he asked if it would be alright to have one. “Super Dad” of course had no objections, but brought “Little Man’s” attention to a particular fact, there were five cookies, but due to an unexpected family member arriving… there were six people at the dinner table.

What a perfect opportunity for problem solving…

Here is what I believe makes this dad so super:

He did not offer “Little Man” advice on what he should do… instead he stated the facts:

“Little Man, I know that you are really excited to eat this cookie you have been waiting for, but I notice that there are only 5 cookies, and there are 6 of us at the table. That means that not everyone will be able to have a cookie.”

Then he paused… and asked, “I wonder what we should do?”

Ahhh, the magic open-ended phrase!

The phrase that puts the power of process in the child’s hands and empowers them.

The phrase that sends a message of trust and respect.

The phrase that says ‘I believe in your intelligence and capacity to solve problems.’

So, naturally “Little Man” (being the amazing Little Man that he is), says, “I know! We can share the cookies!” and starts breaking all the cookies up into smaller pieces. Then, he walks around the table and puts a piece of cookie on everyone’s plate. All on his own. No one prompted him to do this, and no one gave him the idea.

Problem solved.

So, what makes this such a wonderfully intentional response…

Well, you see, “Super Dad” could have easily just told “Little Man” what to do with the cookies. He could have just assumed that there was a problem that needed fixing, and fixed it himself. However, he saw (brilliantly, as he usually does) the golden opportunity for his child to be engaged and participate in the decisions of his community. He saw a chance to let his son practice divergent thinking skills… and he did it with support, and his unconditional trust.

This sent a very strong message to “Little Man” and continues to do so, because “Super Dad” sees these opportunities everywhere. You might hear these phrases in their interactions…

“I wonder…”

“How do you think..”

“Why..”

“Can you help me figure this out..?”

“What do you notice…”

“What do you think..?”

“I’m not sure… do you have any ideas?”

“Let’s take a closer look..”

and even… “I don’t know. How can we find out?”

Theirs is such an engaging and ingenuity promoting relationship, that “Little Man” often asks his dad if they could ‘look’ something ‘up’ together. That is quite a powerful tool that “Super Dad” has given his 3 1/2 year old son.

All because he chooses not to give him the answer.

I’d love to hear some of your adventures with nurturing the thinking process… what do you think?

Thank you for reading

(P.S. The photo above is not of The Super Dad and The Little Man, but maybe a super dad and a little man…)

On my ongoing process of constantly collecting and managing the information about child development and family life, I am always evaluating and re-evaluating my own beliefs. When educating parents, I offer what I have in my toolbox, and it is up to the parent to decide which tools are right for them and their family.

With that said: Many of my tools are from the RIE philosophy, but I also love the ideas of Attachment Parenting (AP), so I offer many of their tools as well. I appreciate and use many of the works of Rudolph Steiner, as well as, the Reggio Emilia approach, Maria Montessori, John Holt, John Dewey, A.S.Neill and Alfie Kohn.

Since my biggest focus right now is on infants and toddlers, I have been exploring the many fine line debates between the RIE and AP approaches, what I noticed is that even though they have different methods to dealing with sleep, feeding, play time, etc., I noticed the overlap:

1. Both approaches remind us to be more mindful, aware and connected to our children.

2. Both approaches strive to create independent, confident, and emotionally healthy babies.

3. Both approaches create a great platform for discussion about development, growth and hopefully promote interest in the academic world to perform more research!

In the end, the details are up to the individuals to decide based on their family culture, ideals, beliefs, knowledge and preferences.

What’s important is reading as much as possible, and exploring a topic fully from many perspectives before accepting it… especially if it feels controversial.

For example:

Here is an intriguing discussion about sleep between two excellent representatives of each approach. Notice how each person is making sure people do not misunderstand the approach, as they clarify with utmost respect for each other what they believe is most beneficial for the child. Please read the comments since they are part of the discussion.

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/rie-parenting-a-respectful-debate/

So, if you are debating between one approach or the other, what I can offer is this:

Fill your toolbox with as many tools as you can collect, and try them out to see which works best for your own family.

• Educate yourself on things that feel controversial — read, research and ask educators a lot of questions.
• Observe closely to the culture, rhythms and habits of you and your family, and how they impact the choices you make for your children.
• Challenge yourself to see from the opposite perspective of an approach. Think of all the benefits and challenges that each approach could bring, and choose what fits best with your beliefs and lifestyle.
• Try new methods that you feel make sense and pay close attention to what works after a healthy trial.
• Incorporate methods from as many approaches as you like, as long as they work together, and everyone seems happier in the end.
• Find a place where things feel balanced and remember that since life is fluid, it is ok to let go and go with the flow.

As life on Earth continues, humans will continue to transform and progress in their ideas (hence the progressive parenting paradigm), and build on top of what they already know to improve life. What we think is the best method today, could be easily obsolete and challenged in another few decades. Let us keep questioning, trying, and experimenting with what is one of the most important processes of life, human beings raising human beings.

Last week I received an opportunity to switch gears, and instead of working with children and parents like I typically do, I participated in a partnership of care for a 75 year old woman who has been diagnosed with Dementia. During the three days I spent with her and her daughter I was able to see another side of life that I had not been as familiar with. Amazingly, during the experience I observed some extremely important parallels for the way we connect with infants and toddlers, and the way we connect with people on the other side of the spectrum of life.

This was one of the most unique opportunities, not only because of the type of care was involved… but because the mother and daughter, I’ll call them Ellen and Jane respectively, were partnering for Ellen’s care using a breakthrough Dementia care model. Jane, being the dedicated and innovative person to really think outside of the box, decided that the typical care models were not going to provide mom with the quality of life that will allow her to genuinely thrive. So Jane did some digging and found a Geriatrician and advocate (Dr. Allen Power) who has built a type of approach that goes “beyond drugs”, and beyond all the typical actions of sedating, and isolating patients. Instead, he proposes to change the”culture of care” and to build a more compassionate, connected and respectful method of being with people who happen to be expressing a different shape and state of mind. This reminded me greatly in the work we do to evolve parenting to a new level.

Some of the parallels I noticed during the last days had to do with one simple theme. While we are caring for and supporting human beings… from either end of life, our job is about advocating for those who are vulnerable to not being heard. Our job is to go beyond just the simple activities of care… feeding, bathing, assisting with bathroom needs, transporting, etc. Our job is to take the time to notice the subtleties of communication, to promote engaging in independence and skill building (yes, infants AND 75 year old folks with dementia both have the ability and interest to gain new skills), to be mindful of the way we express our feelings and communicate, to give them the kind of respect we would give to those we love most, and to provide them with rich and dynamic, human experiences that will continue to help them learn and enrich their lives.

When taking care of people (from either end of life) I found several important parallel ideas:

1. Respect the person’s choices by giving them opportunities to be in control of as much of their day to day life as possible. Invite active participation as much as possible.

Those who may not be able to speak directly for themselves may still communicate their preferences and interests to us… our job is to listen and encourage active participation. It is enriching  and empowering to partake in the activities of ones own life, even when there are seeming limitations to what one can do.

Examples:

An infant or person with dementia may not be able to put their own pants on, but they can be invited to “kick their leg”, or decide “which pair of pants are you interested in?”. A care partner may pay close attention to where the person is engaging their interest as the cue, if it is indirect. The care partner may scaffold their assistance just enough to allow the other to initiate and engage in the process of self-care. It is a delicate dance.

2. Respect the person’s body by always providing information (narrating and asking) when taking physical care of them. 

Just as we don’t pick up an adult without preparing them, and communicating our intentions first, we would give the same respect to infants. If we are moving them, transitioning, re-positioning, dressing, lifting… etc., we let them know what is happening before and during, and we give them opportunity to be an active participant during the process. It is important to notice the abilities of the person we are caring for, and allow them to practice certain skills first before jumping in to help (read The Hands That Wait post for more on this topic). It helps to ask ourselves this question, am I doing something to this person, or with them?  Everyone deserves dignity, no matter their age.

Examples: A care partner may say, “Ellen, may I put your shirt over your head now? If you can raise your arms, I can slip the sleeves over them” and if after some time there is difficulty in this procedure, the next step could be to say, “I notice it’s a little hard to raise your arms now, so if it’s ok, I will help put your arms through the shirt.” A mother may say to her infant, “Bea, I’m going to pick you up and we will go to the bathroom for a fresh diaper.” the mother waits a few moments until Bea shifts her gaze, or prepares her body to be lifted before she lifts her up (yes, infants are incredibly aware and capable!).

Even though this can feel strange and excessive at times (if we’re not used to doing it), it is respectful, compassionate, engages awareness in a procedure, and encourages participation.

3. Speak to the person and not about them when they are in your presence. Remember to avoid talking about someone as if they weren’t there, and if you absolutely have to do it, ask for their permission or give them awareness about it first. (This also includes knowing how to laugh with someone rather at them when they do something seen as “funny”.)

This is a very important aspect of respectful relationship building, and is especially valuable to those who don’t have the opportunity to advocate for themselves. Discussing care and behavior is an easy habit to fall into when we are around those who communicate differently from us. Acknowledgement of someone directly is courtesy, and validates the value of their existence and connection to others.

Example: You are with your infant and friends or family and you would like to tell others about your infants behaviors. One way the conversation can go: you turn to your infant and say, “I would like to tell everyone about how you had a hard time sleeping last night.” then proceed to tell the story. Another approach: Speaking directly to the child, “Lilly, do you remember how hard it was to sleep yesterday? I wonder what was keeping you up?” then, “Sometimes it’s hard for us to sleep at night when you have indigestion.” This way the information is given through a conversation that includes the person being spoken about. During care appointments with those who can not speak for themselves, it is important to say “I’m going to talk with the doctor about your care, if that’s ok”, and give an opportunity for the person to communicate their feelings about it, if possible.

4. Be a representative for the cared. 

When we become care partners for those who can be frequently misunderstood (by others who are not familiar with their cues, rhythms or communication patterns), we take on the responsibility to advocate for their well being. During dynamic learning situations, those who we care for may communicate something in a way unfamiliar to others. If this creates confusion, it is our responsibility to translate what we may already know. These situations are also great chances to use idea #3 (above) and speak directly to the person about what we think they might be doing/saying.

Example: Gregory, an elderly man with dementia, has arrived to a legal appointment with his son Alex, who is his care partner. Gregory’s physical posture, facial expression and temperament change as he is entering the office and he begins shouting “My car is at the cleaners! Someone stole my briefcase!”. As Alex hears his father’s words, he pays close attention to the integral shift in Gregory’s attitude. He understands that even though his father may be saying something that seems to not make sense in the moment, what he is trying to communicate is probably directly related to the situation. As the lawyer seems to be confused about what’s happening, Alex proceeds to translate while communicating directly with his father, “Dad, I notice you are trying to tell us something. I’m wondering how you’re feeling about us arriving here? Are you anticipating us talking about something that makes you uncomfortable?” This way we are showing trust that no matter what the expression on the outside looks like, the person inside is still directly connected to the world and the experiences of it.

5. Balance open-ended communication with validation of emotion.

While we try to interpret the expressions of those who we care for, we must keep in mind the fine balance between projecting what we believe vs. what’s really experienced. When using translation techniques, keeping phrases and questions open-ended and neutral allows for an authentic response to be expressed.

Use questions like “I’m wondering how you’re feeling about this?” vs. “Are you anxious?” or “What kind of sensation are you feeling right now?” vs. “Does something hurt?”. Notice how this type of communication also favors a fuller response than just a simple “yes” or “no”.

The balancing act comes in when it truly feels helpful to confirm an emotion that is being expressed. “Are you feeling overwhelmed with all the noise right now?”. It is our job to notice the causes and effects of our communication patterns and habits, while constantly re-evaluating what seems to be more appropriate for each situation.

6. Closely observe and live in the moment. 

When providing any type of care in human development (at both ends of life), to be a keen observer is our most important role. A wide array of distractions beckons our attention on a day to day basis; television, the internet, our phones, the never ending “to do” list of chores and preparations. First, as a care partner it is easy to forget that we are also someone dear to the person that we care for, and our care can improve greatly if we just slow down and share moments of connection, community and joyfulness together. Second, taking a moment to observe struggle, rather than distracting them from participating to make things go faster or easier is important for authentic development. Lastly, easing the pace on activities and practicing intentional slowness gives opportunities to examine the process. Letting go of our own expectations, and finding enjoyment in the process itself can greatly improve the quality of care and development.

What are some more parallels of care you may know of that fit care of infants or toddlers and those aging with special needs? How do you advocate for the vulnerable?

These are the Papas who don’t just carry the baby in the sling to look the part. No, you carry your child, and stop every once in a while to talk together about the world around. You are confident about your child’s understanding and capabilities, even if they are in their pre-verbal stages. You are the Papa who notices your child’s cues and communication. You are calm, caring, and connected.

This is about the Papa who comes in to the restaurant with his 4 year old boy and doesn’t take out his ipad to read the news, or talk on the phone. He is the one to read books together with his boy, and calmly say things like, “Thank you for offering me your pancake. I have some eggs to eat right now, but maybe later I can try a bite.” He is the Papa who keeps his child informed about what is going on, and why. He can be found smiling and laughing and having great conversations with his child. He is the Papa that has taken the time to read about child development and is consciously and intentionally staying aware of his child’s growth. He is talking with his child and not at him. His hands are as patient and gentle as can be, and he models respect by giving it first, rather than commanding it.

He is the Papa who models kindness on the bus with his 5 year old daughter, by not laughing at the things she says, and instead taking her seriously while responding with respect. He offers his help instead of doing things for her, and he notices what she is interested in. He is the Papa who finds moments of meaningful joy and togetherness with his daughter beyond the typical tossing her into the air, or tickle frenzy. He shows his strength through patience, trust and awareness.

He is also the Papa who doesn’t mind crouching down to quietly and calmly talk to his 4 year old daughter when she is starting to get upset in a public place. His voice and words never send a message of threat, but instead validate her emotions and communicate expectations with love. You know him when you see him, because of the way his child reacts. She calms herself down and follows him not out of fear, but out of love and security. He is a quiet and soft spoken Papa, and you too maybe have noticed him.

He is the Papa who stays with his little boy for a while when he drops him off or picks him up at school.

He is the Papa who speaks to his teenage son during dinner with the same attitude that he might speak to a colleague. It is no surprise that his son speaks to him in the same manner.

They are the Papas that have changed diapers patiently and took the time to connect with their baby.

They are the Papas who are always there to listen to their kids, even if their kids don’t want their advice.

They are the Papas who have broken the barriers of stereotypical fatherhood views, and have taken fatherhood to a higher level. Maybe even in roles as primary care providers for their children.

They are the Papas that understand that fatherhood is only what they choose it to be, and they have chosen to make it a priority.

These are the Papas who I admire. I just want to send out a word to them. Thank you for being amazing. Keep up the great work. You are raising the humans of our future.

Do you have any stories of amazing Papas? I’d love to hear them!

“Having Respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.”   – Magda Gerber

Taking a shift in perspective can be very helpful during parenting and educating.

Sometimes I wish that when we speak about “children” or “adults”, we could label those stages of life in a more connecting way. Perhaps something with more emphasis on the fact that we are still a whole human and especially, the same person whether we are young or old. Maybe this would help us during our middle human years to keep a better connection to our early human years. Before I make this sound too complicated, what I’m trying to say is this, we must remember what it feels like to be a child!

Looking back at my developmental years, I distinctly remember a perspective I had on adults. I felt them to be very powerful, with great knowledge, and important attitudes. I felt a great trust in their decisions, and even if they seemed wrong, I still somehow felt that because they were adults, they must be trusted.

Most importantly, I remember how adults treated me, and their attitude. Whether they thought I was a hoot, or clever, or cute, or silly, or sweet, or good, or bad.. or ____ (place label here), I remember feeling that sometimes it was hard for adults to take me seriously. Was it my high pitched voice and tiny hands? Additionally, I wanted them to take me seriously about things that I was serious about. I wanted them to stop laughing, and patronizing me… I wanted them to just listen to me, understand me, be clear and kind, and tell me what is going on in a non-judgemental way. Of course, I only know this now, as an adult.

A few memories that colored my vision as a child:

I remember when my mother put me in a crib and left the room (possibly many times), I wanted her to come back so much. I remember feeling so alone and crying and no one coming to get me.

I remember when my grandmother pulled.. no yanked out of my hands a bottle of juice I was carefully pouring into my small cup as a little girl, because she was so scared I would spill it, (and I didn’t).

I remember my grandfather speaking to me like a friend, and inviting me to sit at his desk to see what tiny watch parts looked like, or to show me how the banjo worked.

I remember my father pulling me out of my bed to carry me into the kitchen in the middle of the night, where adults sat around drinking and smoking, so he could “show” me off to his friends, when I was just a couple of years old.

I remember teachers, strangers, doctors, neighbors, other kids parents and the many adults around me. What helps me remember them is their attitude towards me, and whether they treated me respectfully.

When I speak to parents and teachers now, one of the first topics I bring up is our own perspective toward children, as adults and how we have shifted our perspective from childhood. Much of it has to do with the way others treated us, and how we were seen. If children are seen as objects or entertainment (especially during the non-verbal stages), we send them the message that underlines that perspective. If they are seen as humans with a number of abilities, especially the ability to understand, communicate and learn, then our perspective will guide us to treat them respectfully.

For a funny comparison, if an alien came down to earth we would tell them everything there is to know about our life and ways. We would explain things with neutrality and stick to the facts. In a perfect world, we would not force them to do things, like “Now be a good alien and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’”, instead we might explain “On earth, people try to show each other that they appreciate one another by saying words of kindness, like “please” or “thank you”. When people hear these words, it brings them happiness and it helps us show our grattitude to them. If you would like to say them, this is when people typically say them to one another…”  The difference in attitude with these two approaches in explaining how the world works and inviting children to participate, rather than commanding them, can mean a world of difference to a young growing person (and for the record, I’m not saying children are like aliens.. since I don’t really know what aliens are like… but suspect they are probably pretty cool. Ok, I’m done talking about aliens for now).

So, let’s remember what it was like for ourselves growing up. How did we appreciate being treated and what made us feel at odds with adults? How could remembering to take the child’s perspective help us to treat children like the whole human they are, and send them a message of love and respect?

It’s certainly agreed, by teaching children “good manners” in the deeper sense, we are trying to raise humans  to display their feelings of appreciation, modesty, kindness and compassion. However, what I’ve noticed is that teaching manners has become more of a mindless parenting ritual, where the dynamic seems less about understanding what these values mean, and more about being trained to perform an appropriately timed social behavior.

So, let’s take a close look at the approach and figure out how it could be transformed from just “training” kids to superficially memorize and awkwardly act their lines in our social theatre, to being compassionate, kind, loving and genuine communicators with other people, and to do this with self-confidence and self-awareness.

First, we must shift from the dominating/controlling dynamic with children, to the cooperating/partnership dynamic. This requires us to see children as competent beings, (no matter their age) and to trust and respect them. Our position with children transforms from an authoritative, ascending figure, to an informative guiding partner and role model.

Notice some of the key phrases included in the cooperative dynamic: “sometimes this happens”, “if you want to”, “how you feel”, “I wonder…”, etc. This type of communication is open to internal reflection and allows the child to make an opinion of their own. This empowers them to make a choice depending on the circumstance and to find awareness of their own emotions.  If we are forcing children to say something they are uncomfortable with, or reacting emotionally to their behavior, they may receive the message that their own emotions are not acceptable, or invalid, and they must only do things that please the parent.

Also, the way information is presented to children is very important. We, as human beings, are very receptive to insincerity no matter what age we are. If we are wording our explanations to manipulate the result, it will be less likely the outcome will be genuine. Our goal is to promote authenticity, compassion, awareness and kindness. If we really want our children to say or do something it is very important to let go of our own idea of the outcome and embrace the choice they make… even if at first, it seems socially awkward. By allowing them to make a choice of their own, we help our kids have self-confidence and provide them with unconditional love.

I can guess some of you might be thinking, what if they say something horribly rude, like “I hate your present”, or “This food tastes bad”? How do we react to that kind of situation and still provide children with the values we want them to have?

Well, the goal is not about providing them with an appropriate or inappropriate response, but to give them information about the meaning of the response and allowing them to reflect on the ideas, while experimenting with them.  We provide the tools, not the finished product.

In a situation where a child says something seemingly awkward (for us as adults) you may want to respond with this type of combination: Acknowledge the child’s emotions, acknowledge the situation, explain what happened, explain the possible result of their action, express support of their internal experience and offer (with an invitation rather than a demand) other more compassionate ways to communicate while explaining why they might work better.

You could say: “I wonder if you feel disappointed about the food/ present? Sometimes we get something that we didn’t expect. I know that person was trying to do something nice because they want you to be happy, but if you say ‘I hate your present’, this may make them feel sad or embarrassed. It’s ok to feel disappointed about the gift, but you don’t have to tell them about that feeling. If you want to, you can just tell them thank you. That might bring them happiness.”

I’d like to add, this type of conversation is best had before or during the actual event. The young human mind deserves time to reflect on an idea and connect it to a situation in reality.

Also, advocating for your child during social interaction helps them find confidence in knowing what to do. In an example where your child feels uncomfortable talking to strangers, you can help alleviate the stress. For instance, in a restaurant if a waitress brings food or a coloring activity for the child, and the child is sitting awkwardly not knowing what to do, it is much more compassionate to say to the child “I see you’re happy” and then to thank the waitress from the both of you, rather than force your child to say thank you.

Explaining things and verbal communication is only one part of providing information and depends almost entirely on the second part, which is modeling the values. If we are telling children “thank you” and “please” ourselves, as many times as we would like them to say it to others, they will naturally mimic what our behavior is and repeat it. If we hold an attitude of righteousness with children, they will reflect that in their own behavior.

So here is a little list of teaching manners without manipulation:

• Respect and trust your child
• Model the type of values you want to see in them by treating them the way you want them to treat others.
• Respond to children by understanding and valuing their inner experience first.
• Provide them with information in a neutral, peaceful and compassionate manner.
• Communicate with open ended phrases to allow for internal reflection and processing of experiences.
• Invite children to try more compassionate methods of communication and explain causes and effects of communication.
• Advocate for your child if they are uncomfortable taking the initiative.
• Show love to your children unconditionally, not based on their behavior.

To conclude, I like to think of things this way: if you want to help someone build a chair, give them tools and teach about the process of carpentry. It is very difficult to build a chair by making someone look at a picture of a chair over and over again, without showing them how to use the saw and hammer first.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! What do you remember about learning manners in your own childhood? How do you teach your children about communication?

This takes me back to the time when I was small, and remembering how I noticed the personalities of adults by the behavior of their hands.

Being a tiny and awkwardly coordinated growing person is no piece of cake. I remember how fine tuning the control of my fingers and hands seemed like an almost impossible task. From pouring juice out of a bottle into a cup, to writing my first letters, I might as well have been using my nose.

I remember how frequently adults wanted to help me, and often did so without my permission or even giving me a moment to realize they were about to. Their hands just jumped right in and did the job. Sometimes this left me feeling pretty incompetent. But, the hands that waited were usually attached to the kind of adult that had a calm demeanor and trusted me.

I understand that adults are helping children out of love and care. We tie their shoes, and put on their

coats,

and pour,

and wipe,

and open,

and close,

and move,

and dress,

and pick up,

and put down,

and do so many things to care for children — but at what cost are we doing these things for them?

Here is an important story that I remember hearing (you may know it):

A man was watching a butterfly struggle out of its cocoon. He noticed how awkwardly and slowly the butterfly was pushing itself out. After he watched for a little while, he decided to help. He took a pair of scissors and cut the cocoon open. The butterfly easily came out, but fell to the ground instead of opening its wings to fly. What he didn’t know was that while the butterfly struggles to push itself out, it releases a special fluid onto the wings, without which it can’t open its wings to fly. In other words, the struggle itself created the success.

I really loved this story when I first heard it because it gave me a fresh perspective on children’s struggle. I admit I do like to make life easier for children. I want to do things for them – give them my hand— it’s part of my yearning to nurture and it feels instinctual. I realize though, that cutting the cocoon open for them does not help them fly, but in fact, often inhibits it. So, my instinctual reaction slowly turned into a patient, intentional response.

I look at my hands and notice now, how often they want to jump in to help. I urge them to wait, and instead move them away while watching how a child is gaining skills on their own. I notice sometimes the children who are used to receiving lots of quick adult help often just hand over the job to me or another adult nearby, expecting what they are already used to.

I admit that struggle is difficult to watch if we’re not used to it. I tell myself to breathe and wait for the process, the coat to get zipped, or for the glass which is so precariously sitting on the edge of the table to get moved, or the tiny foot to reach the safety of the floor while the toddler is struggling to come down from the couch. I become aware of how my own emotions and instincts are filling my mind with fearful images – the child falling and crying, the cup breaking, the spill, the mess, the anxiety – but I know these are only workings of my imagination and I don’t let them guide me. I let them go and instead observe intensely. I notice how each time the same struggle happens over and over, some tiny new skill is emerging. Maybe the first two times the cup fell, but this time it’s placed a little further from the edge. Maybe there is a new shift in the child’s body when she takes a step off the couch.

Truthfully speaking, the horrible things my mind flashes during the process don’t usually happen, and if they do, they aren’t nearly as horrible as I imagined them to be.

This experience has taught my mind and hands to relax and even though I make myself available to help, I don’t jump the gun quite as fast as I used to. It’s hard to make my hands wait, but I know that the real lesson is in the child’s hands – not my own.

There are still many creative ways to provide support and guidance to children while strengthening their skill abilities, here are a few:

Before giving any directions or help, notice the process of ‘figuring it out’. Let the child’s curiosity guide the process first and notice their innovative ways of working through a problem.
Provide a little tip (note: this is a fine balance. Make sure you are empowering instead of commanding): I notice you want to step down the stairs. It might be helpful to hold the railing. It’s very sturdy.
Slow down and become a close observer. This will give you the opportunity to notice progress or patterns, and often simply being aware and present is enough support.
Model the way something is done: “When I zip, I like to hold the zipper together like this, and then… I pull up…”
Describe the process as it is happening: I see the water is pouring out of the pitcher very fast, and your cup is getting full. (Notice how this is left open ended…)
Acknowledge the child’s struggle as a part of the process to the child: If you are ok and calm, there is no need to fear the struggle next time. “It’s true. Sometimes putting on shoes can be frustrating.” or, “The water spilled right in your lap when you were pouring, does it feel very cold and wet? “
Be available and know when help is truly needed. If your child is exhausted and on the verge of a meltdown, chances are the process will not be as useful. It’s ok to offer help when the time is right. Knowing that balance is really important.
Ask first, if you really want to help: Asking permission before diving into a child’s space is incredibly empowering for the child. This is one of the best ways to model respect.

Finally, let go of your own idea of success and instead celebrate the process. As I wait, I like to ask myself, “In reality, what’s the worst that could happen?”, and “What can be gained from the experience?”

Note: These particular examples are about young children. Additionally, how can we connect them to other ages or areas of life?

I’d love your feedback!